A Few Daddy Thoughts

Terror diapers exploding in the car are not a great way to travel, but memorable to say the least.  We decided to take this wee baby on a 14 hour road trip to Orlando, Florida broken up by a two day stay in Pensacola.  Her name is left  a mystery for now for  reason I won’t go into, but let’s just name her Ari.  I started a novel with a character named Ari, and well, I never finished it, but maybe inspiration will come to me in the future.

Ari is a wonderful baby.  I couldn’t expect more out of a baby’s behavior, lest we could make them talk.  Then those agonizing few seconds of screaming would be replaced by FEED ME!, CHANGE ME!, PLAY MUSIC!, ROCK ME!, LEAVE ME ALONE!, YOU’RE TOO DAMN LOUD! I have always heard about how it is difficult to travel with a baby.  Traveling with our baby has been relatively easy, though after riding in her car seat all day, she does get to whine a bit about returning to it when we go do things.

Honestly, the entire experience has been quite strange:

  • Changing diapers is not that bad, but not disposing poopy diapers promptly, letting the sun bake them, even inside of a trash bag, is a bad tie.
  • Apparently when I, my wife, or the baby farts, we go into diaper changing mode.  I am not really sure if there is some chemical process going on but everything smells like baby shit when it comes to bodily functions.
  • Babies like to piss right when you open the diaper to check to see if they pissed in the diaper.
  • No matter how you sell it, you can’t convince me that soy milk is going to rear a healthy child.  I can’t wait until we start feeding her real food.
  • Baby strollers are just as convenient as they are inconvenient.
  • When Ari watches Disney music videos, or listens to lullabies, she “sings.”  This is cute.  It makes me smile.  It makes me a little misty-eyed.  If this makes me a blubbering pussy, then I will be that.
  • Sometimes, well, all the time, she cries when I get her.  I give her all of my patience and just play around and say things like “Momma the bad man has me!”  Today is the first day I was not the bad man.  She now feels safe with me, but she prefers momma.
  • Baby shit smears all over everything when the baby is steadily kicking her feet around.
  • I have very little time now for myself.  Yeah, I miss it, but I like this baby thing.
  • I take too many pictures and I can’t share them online.
  • I talk to my child like she is an adult, but I realize my voice is often deep and scary.  It makes dogs piss themselves.  I had to lighten up my voice some.
  • Babies get way too gassy too much and too fast.  I am constantly burping her whenever I feed her.  I suck at this, and feel like I am bear mauling her when I do this, but she doesn’t cry.  Maybe she is okay with it, maybe she is in shock.  Guess I will know in 5 years.
  • Babies are way too expensive.  Nothing is cheap.  Bookoo everything, go to yard sales.  Tell your friends it’s her birthday tomorrow.
  • I want to buy her things that she will outgrow in a couple of months.
  • What movies are playing at the theater?
  • Everyone loves the baby.  They want to touch the baby.  They want to talk to the baby.  They want to do these things when we are trying to wind her down.
  • Like most women in my life, Ari loves to tell me when I am wrong.

I certainly hope that one day I can share her pictures and her real name.  No, she was not kidnapped!  We are in the process of taking care of some things and we are just trying to keep things quietish, but I had to share this tonight.  Especially since I needed an article for tomorrow.

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